Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
