Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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