My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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