please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
