If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
