I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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