You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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