I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
