dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
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