Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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