You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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