I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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