a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You took a bar mat shot.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
