Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
