I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I am midnight drunk by noon
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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