So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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