did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
