Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
