who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
