So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
