She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
