Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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