I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
