My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
