Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
