the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
