and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
