I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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