where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
