I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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