I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
