if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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