obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
