Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
