theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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