shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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