Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
God, I missed his penis.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
