god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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