"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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