Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
