WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I wish I only lived at night.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
