Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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