My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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