We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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