It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
