you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
