When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
