I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
