Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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