My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I can't turn off my feet"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
