I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
whose parrot is this?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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