I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
